A number of years ago, I had a very good friend we'll call Eve. We attended the same church and seemed to hit it off quite well even though we were quite a bit different in many ways. We were both conservative Christians so we had many things in common. While I worked outside the home out of necessity more than desire, she stayed at home with her three children and home schooled them. She was, in my mind, the epitome of the perfect Christian wife. She dressed modestly as did her children. Her girls had never worn jeans or a bathing suit. She had always home schooled them & their home contained no internet or cable television. There were no rock songs on the radio and no Brittney Spears gyrating on the TV. There were no video games or battery operated toys. Her children ranged from younger than mine to older and had always been raised this way.
I worked full time at that point and my children were in public school and always had been. While I certainly dressed conservatively, there were many days that saw me in jeans. I felt comfortable with who I was as part of this world instead of separate from this world. I longed for something more simple than the life I found myself in and I admired her peace of mind and the order I saw in her life. Her children were always so well behaved especially when compared to mine with ADHD. Her home was orderly with home baked bread and handmade clothes. In many ways, I saw myself lacking and wondered if my life would be *better* had I followed a different path and been more like her.
For a few years, I stepped back from my working mom lifestyle. I gave up my successful job with our local government. I gave up the business suits and spending all day in the office. I hated the stress and pressure. I pulled both children from public school and experimented with homeschooling. I baked bread and more days found me in a dress than a pair of jeans. I tried to find that peace I saw in her life but what I found wasn't what I saw in her life and I wasn't any happier than I was before.
I could blame it on lots of different things. My kids were used to public school and not happy being home schooled. We're in a rural area and there are no groups in my area that I managed to connect with. While her children seemed happy with only each other to interact with, mine were not. The fact that both have ADHD didn't help the matter. I didn't feel freed by her lifestyle although I desperately wanted to be. Trudging through three feet of snow to care for the ducks and chickens wearing a long dress was not something I enjoyed although many days today still find me in a long dress in the summer garden. I decided that as much as I wanted it, this lifestyle wasn't working any better for me than the other.
Where I am today is a mixture of both lifestyles. I now work at home so I can be here for the kids and my husband more. I can focus on making this home something I'm proud of. I still find myself baking bread, gardening, caring for the ducks and chickens and helping the kids. The kids are back in public school and while I wish I had never put them in public school to begin with, I don't see an easy way out of it at this point. Sarah17 starts college next year. David13 will enter high school. Both still have their struggles but they are managing to land on their feet most days.
You won't find me in a dress in March and if you do, I'll be wearing polish on my toenails and singing to country music on the radio. I'm still as conservative as I've ever been. That won't be changing. The kids are fairly independent and I hope on the right path to making their own decisions in life. I think I like where I am today for the most part but I still wish I had made the choice to change before the kids were born, before we had a television, and before they were exposed to life as it is *out there*. Maybe it would be have been easier? But maybe not.
I'm reminded occasionally of Eve although I haven't seen her in quite some time. I ran into her several months ago and was totally shocked to see her girls in jeans although she still home schools them and much of her life is as conservative as it was before. I guess she felt her lifestyle was too restrictive. Maybe life isn't always as perfect on the other side of the fence as we think it is but part of me will always wish I'd had the chance to find out.
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